What NOT to Say: Answers I Wished Were on the Board Exam

last night we had some pretty crazyass patients.  like CRAZY, kept ripping out their own IVs, getting out of bed with a broken leg crazy.  i witnessed some fine therapeutic communication on the part of the nurses i have the privilege of working with every day. 

Nurse 1: Do you know where you are, Mr. X?

Patient X: Bellevue?

Nurse 2 (under her breath): Working with you makes me feel like I'm at Bellevue.

Patient X: Why am I here again?

Nurse 1: you tell me!  you promised you weren't going to drink again and when we get you sober, you drink the beer again (she was filipino). and now you're back here.  you tell me, whose fault is that?

Patient Y: oh! it hurts! (as we put EKG stickers on her--clearly not painful)

Nurse 2: stop being such a drama queen.

Patient X: the IV is too tight!  I'm going to take it off.

Nurse 2: if you take that IV out, i'm going to restrain you. 

Patient X: I'm gonna do it!

Nurse 2: you go right ahead.  let's see what happens. 

Patient X: why do you have to stick me again (with an IV)?

Nurse 2: it's your own fault.  you know what?  I think you pulled out your IV because you LIKE getting stuck. 

priceless.