Thursday, March 12, 2009

Missed Letters

dear cute-med-student-who-(my-clinical-mates-insist-)keeps-checking-me-out,

if you are truly interested, please grow a pair and ask me out already.  i can't be bothered to deal with boys who don't have both testicles firmly in place. you're asian--learn to pull out some geeky warcraft tricks and facebook stalk me or something, n00b.  

the other asian student on 4Tower


dear professor churchill,

i think your class was quite possibly my favorite of the entire year.  what a way to end a seemingly endless string of 5x5's!  i love that you don't play mind games and seem genuinely interested in our learning and... surprise!  in US as REAL PEOPLE.  i actually wanted to learn about peds (have i mentioned i hate children?) because you were such a pleasure to learn from!  i hope you go far and succeed in all that you attempt.  you deserve only good things in your career for all that you put into it. 

the obnoxious loud one in the front who you suspect is chatting during class (sorry, it's the only time i can talk to my sister.  i'm sure you understand, you are that great of a woman. but at least i participate in class and sometimes get the answers right!)


dear gym nemesis,

you are annoying.  and rude. and ugly.  and i hate your gym outfits.  please graduate and move away from new york. 

the girl you accused of stealing your time slot on cross trainer #2


dear roommate who has aspergers,

i'm sorry that we talk about you behind your back so much in the kitchen.  you are kind of weird, but i know that you mean no harm and are actually kind of a sweet guy, even if you do take 40 minute showers and smell a little funny.  no hard feelings, okay?

-from the roommate across the hall.


dear american idol judges,

you guys really need to get your shit together.  you are boring all of us and your lameass comments actually are bogging the show down.  may i make a few suggestions?

paula: STOP GETTING BOTOX.  or taking drugs.  or whatever it is that's keeping you from stringing two sentences, oops, i mean words together.  your comments are even more irrelevant than ever. 

kara: can you please find your niche now?  your comments are redundant and don't add anything special to the show.  we know you like hearing yourself talk, can you direct that energy towards something productive?

randy: you are not bringing any semblance of intelligence to the table when you continue to say "dawg."  it's been 8 seasons.  you can stop now. 

simon: you have always been my favorite because you keep it real.  (and because i like old guys) WHY DID YOU STOP?  we know you have what it takes to be the resident snarky british guy.  gordon ramsay has kept up that part of his bargain with fox, why can't you?

also i know that anoop doesn't have star quality, but if you can do anything about him making at least the top 5, i'll let the fact that you put talentless jasmine in for no good reason and completely shafted jun'ot slide. 

yours truly, 
outraged fan from new york (but let's face it, this could be written by several million people across the country)


dear homeless man at the 168th subway stop,

i used to feel bad for you.  no one should have to sleep in a subway, and no one should have to sleep in that subway.  but since i found out that you totally have a place at the men's shelter literally a hop, skip and a jump away i have a different opinion.  please stop breaking whatever rules you're breaking to get kicked out.  cigarettes are not worth being cold and exposing yourself to the new york elements.  

the girl who promised to bring you a blanket and forgot (sorry about that--i overslept and felt terrible about it afterwards)


dear columbia university school of nursing/etp office:

thanks for admitting me to columbia last may.  i didn't get in anywhere else and it was a relief to know that i'm not a failure.  but do you really think that letting 200 more people in is such a great idea?  i mean, an extra $300,000 coming in is great, but you don't even get that money, it just goes to columbia.  look--some of my friends don't even have integration sites yet and integration starts in less than two weeks!  forget their feelings, i'm pissed on their behalf.  

we had loads of problems with crowding and not getting enough individual attention this year.  do you think that goes away with more people?  for people who have lots of PhDs and other letters that i often can't decipher, you guys sure are dumb.  get your shit together!  

respectfully yours, 
the etp student that desjardins mistook for a masters student because there are so many students in the etp program she can't know all of us even just on a facial recognition basis. 

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