Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Thoughts on NP Week

I hate NP week.

I didn't know that this was a thing, that we have a whole week dedicated to our entire fucking profession.  I think that celebrating a profession is silly.  What's more, the way people go about celebrating is just retarded.  Subpar cupcakes/cookies/etc diabetes inducing baked goods?  No thanks.  Cards? Going in the trash.  What I would much rather prefer is all of my patients to show up on time.  I would like very much if I had a little of the administrative time that was taken from me at the beginning of the year so I can actually get my shit done.  It'd be nice if I didn't get a new patient slid into a no-show slot with 5 minutes to spare.  What would be awesome is if someone actually did a proper gynecological exam set-up so I could just get in and get out without getting stuck in the room and being asked more inane questions about this one time she just had a little vaginal itching but it went away but what do you think it was.  

I felt the same way about Nurse's Week as a hospital staff nurse.  The people who would inform me were either a) administrators who don't really appreciate their nurses and then continue to under staff them (especially during Nurse's Week!) or b) entitled, lazy-ass nurses strutting around their obese bodies thinking that Nurse's Week gave them a pass to do even less work than they already do (meanwhile their patients are peeing themselves, on the call bell or in the process of trying to fall out of bed), demanding to be appreciated for their shit work.  And what does Nurse's Week get you at a Big Tertiary Hospital That Must Not Be Named? An ice cream service that hands out subpar ice cream bars (hey-o diabetes!) and shit cookies that are literally and liberally frosted with a reminder that "We Put Patients First."  I vaguely recall some cheaply made lunch bag that split after being stuffed with three apples. 

The fact of the matter is that people who really go into nursing or nurse practitioner-ing do it not for the recognition.  They do it because they care.  (Or in my case, cared, past tense, since it's hard to care for the large majority of my highly entitled, very misguided, uniquely retarded patient population.)  They do it because they take pride in a highly skilled, demanding profession that saps their emotional willpower, their physical strength, and will to live.  And they get up every day (or three days a week, whatever) to do it all over again.  Any health care provider with a license (and some without) who actually does their job well does the same. 

If you're going to celebrate the NP in your life, do it in a way that is relevant and useful.  Buy them lunch.  Coffee shop gift cards.  Champagne/whiskey/wine/all of the alcohols.  Listen when they are venting and try not to vomit on them when they have a gross story.  Don't attempt to one-up their experience with a story that is only tangentially related about your sister's on-again-off-again boyfriend's attending who saw this thing this one time in the hospital in a different country a decade ago.  Shut the hell up if you're going to start any sentence with "At least..."--it diminishes your NP's professional and personal experience and demeans them as a person.  Same thing for "As an NP, you should know that..." FUCK YOU AND WHAT YOU THINK WE SHOULD KNOW. Definitely stop trying to impress your NP with your infinite knowledge of the many different antibiotics you bullied a previous provider into giving you for a "sinus infection"; we are judging the SHIT out of how you were medically managed and will think you are a fucking sissy anyhow. QUIT asking for medical advice/prescriptions/"favors" from your NP-- none of us wants their friends to be their patients; they want their friends to stay friends.  Pushing it into that gray area is like friends with benefits--and no one wins in that situation. 

And if you're one of those tragic and misguided people who blithely refers to the NP in your life as "a nurse" utilize the title they worked their asses off for and deserve: it's "NURSE PRACTITIONER" you dicks!  

1 comment:

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