Where does it all come from? In therapy tonight we identified that it is a conglomeration of small, tiny, injuries to myself. Something that feels disrespectful, something that makes me feel helpless or powerless. A slight to me or something I believe in strongly. It all adds up into a big, poker hot ball of rage.
I hadn't realized that my coping mechanism for this in life is to deflect my anger. My stifling Asian Christian upbringing has taught me to squelch the feelings of anger, tell myself something that will make me okay with it for the time being. What I didn't realize is that in not acknowledging the angry, in stuffing my feelings deep down, I set myself up inevitably for an explosion. Sometimes alcohol helps to coax it out. Sometimes it's that one last straw that makes me lash out.
It's hard to sit with being angry. C#arlie, in a rare show of his preacher background, quoted Ephesians 4:26 (26“In your anger do not sin”d : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry) (hell yes I googled that) and I had to really think what that meant, since for my whole life I have basically parroted that verse as an admonishment to tell people not to be mad in a my-hindsight-is-cringing super-preachy way. But he pointed out that most noteworthy is that Bible doesn't tell me not to be angry. It just tells me not to go to sleep without dealing with it (been there--really bad dreams, don't do it). It was an interesting application of a time and again read Bible passage that I've glossed over with a "Yeah yeah yeah, don't be mad, I get it."
I do not know how to deal with anger. I suspect that it could potentially involve pushing back. I guess it'll involve being comfortable with it. I know for sure it'll involve a helluva lot of practice.