Thursday, May 6, 2010

Oh the Places You'll Go! (and the people you'll meet)

well, i already knew where i was going: the long awaited mini-vacation to boston/vermont that would involve: babies. ben and jerry's. nature. not-new-york-city. no work. clean air. quality time with quality people. grandma spoilage.

i did not, however, anticipate i would be meeting crazy people.

normally when i head to boston, i have a little routine where i get on the A, and then mosey on over to wherever the bus picks up, sometimes stopping by the random chinese bakery place on 34th and 8th (where i am continually astounded by the number of ethnicities ordering my beloved paper cup sponge cakes--do you even know how to distinguish between good and bad ones, people?! you're lucky that fay da makes them well!), board the bus and for the next four hours, i alternate between napping and racking up my text message quota. i hop off at south station, jump on the T toward newton center and park myself at the local Peets, pay (now, full price, sadly) for some tasty drink, use the wifi for a few hours (like i am now) and then either get someone to pick me up or i'll take the #52 bus to grandma's house.

most of this went as planned. i am currently sitting at my peets. the bus ride was like death (night buses suck anywhere you are in the world), but i made it. the difference this time was due to the fact that i had to work a shift yesterday (on cinco de mayo! :( but received some excellent drunk dials. at 7 pm. YES.) and that there was an irresistible deal with megabus for a $1 fare at 1:30 am. so i took it.

taking the A at 12:30 in the morning, there was virtually no one on the platform, until a woman walked toward me, sat down next to me and struck up a conversation. well, i say conversation, it was more like she talked at me from 175 to 135 about how i have to take responsibility for saving the earth, and how she's really passionate about motivating people, about how politics is really all about humanity and we should take a leaf out of the obama campaign and start with a grassroots movement and touch one another with our ideals.

fine. nod politely smile, vaguely agree with her statements. whatever.

but then she gets more personal, asking how old i am, why i live in the heights, where i work, where i live. she makes very disconcerting but somewhat off-base statements like "i knew you were some kind of health care professional, but i also sense an artist's aura around you." to which i responded that i'm actually not artistically inclined at all.

then she says:

"then maybe you should start sketching. i really think it'll help with your sexuality."

i'm so weirded out by this lady that by this time that i really don't have a response, so she continues, working herself up and whipping her little monologue into feverish pitch:

"let me tell you something, and i'm okay saying this because i'll probably never see you again. you should masturbate more. masturbate more and really love yourself because i think you could really work on your sexuality. are you interested in a guy right now? don't bother with him. you need someone stronger. that's why i can see you being with a woman. you need someone who can stimulate you intellectually. you should think about dating women. maybe you just need to love on yourself, and that's the woman i see you with."

with that, leslie (that's what her name was, i learned during the one thing i could get in edge-wise) exits the train, leaving me gaping after her, speechless and bewildered, with a homeless man sitting across from me, leering. wtf just happened?

135th street could not have come sooner.