Friday, April 16, 2010

On Douchebags

it has been a lovely spring so far. the startling but welcome sudden appearance of all those tulips, the flash and flurry of cherry blossoms that make my heart yearn to go back to japan just a little bit, and the warm weather that make it okay to wear flats without socks--YES. i'm on board with all of that.

what puzzles me is this recent onslaught of douchebags that seemed to have popped up out of nowhere this year. where did they come from? were they hibernating? why are they preying on all my friends? why do they show up where i work every single day? it's really beyond all comprehension. during this week's class marathon, some friends and i discussed how helpful it would be if you could ICD-9 douchebaggery. you could diganose some of these assholes with something like POS--NOS (piece of shit, not otherwise specified) and help along your friends and future female victims. there could be a step-wise diagnostic algorithm complete with flow charts and everything!

last night i was talking with a friend about our mutual hatred of douches, and it was interesting because mostly these conversations are held with my girlfriends, but this was a DUDE. he had this very comprehensive list that i agreed with almost 100% and was so funny i felt like it needed to be shared. 4 or more of these points might be considered diagnostic.

1) you're a dude and you spend more time on your hair than 5 minutes
2) you club every week
3) you're pretentious
4) you sleep around
5) you're a coward but try to come off as a tough guy
6) you use your career and money to try to get into a girl's pants
7) you wear ed hardy
8) all your jeans are designer
9) you're rude
10) you're a creep
11) you own a pair of douche sunglasses
12) you get fake tans
13) you drive a convertible coupe and you're a guy
14) you like fake boobs
15) your only goal in life is to make money

the list could go on, but at this point i was about to bust a gut laughing, so he had to stop. what would you add to this list? don't hold back, i certainly haven't.

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